Alone and afraid...and so sad

[molecularblonde]

Hello my new friends-

This time last year I was probably out with my husband having a nice time enjoying the night. Or, if he was working tonight, I was perhaps in bed preparing to get up for the aerobics class that I normally take Sunday morning. But it's not like that anymore. Now I don't want to leave my house.

Now, I dread being in public. I look like a freak with my greasy hair (too scared to wash it) and my rotating stock of baseball hats. I used to love to get glammed up and to go out once in a while. Now, I look like a victim of malnutrition. My scalp itches like mad. My father is a surgeon and he looked at it tongiht and shook his head and said "It's all in your head". But it's not! My hair is thin and brittle and like that of a five year old. It's funny, I showed him pictures from last year where my hair was thick and long and gorgeous and while he appreciates that I have lost *some* hair, but he thinks i should be relieved that there arne't any bald spots. RELIEVED THAT THERE AREN"T ANY BALD SPOTS?! WHAT?! Then he reads me the riot act for dying my hair- when I've been dying it for over nine years!!!!! Why is it falling out now? I had surgery but that was last August!

Stress, stress, stresss, they all say it's teleogen effluvium brough tabout my surgical stress.......but now that it's been a year since my surgery, what is bringin about this last episode of hoffific shedding?! Today there was so much hair int he shower I was wanted to SCREAM.


Stres, stress, stress........how's this for stress? Bringing my car to the dealership to trade it in for a new model. My car has 140K on it, and I need to buy a new car. Guess what? I smell smoke as I drive...and whammo! I had an ENGINE fire!!!! And all I could think about was: Please God, don't let this make my hair fall out worse than it has been already!!!!! Please don't! So the police come to where my car is, and so do the fire trucks,a nd there's little me on the side of the road, and almost out of habbit, I begin to run my fingers through my hairs and 2, 3, 4, 5, strands are on my palm and in between my fingers.....and I'm trying to keep it together and answer the pocile officer's question and I'm so preoccupied with how *great* his hair is! Does he see that my hair is thinning? Does he think I have cancer or seomthig? Just as I wrote this, I tuck my hair behind my ear and four more strands of hair come out and fall to the side of the bed


I feel alone and afraid. I'm so desperate: I'm drinking a tablespoon of silicia (SILICIA!!!!) a day now. How sad is that? I would love to wash and style my hair and go out for brunch tomorrow, but how many more hairs will I lose?! No ones understands this. How can I have tons of hair last year? I have perhaps 60% of what I had then. No volume, no swing, so shine it's like a five year olds hair only brittle and fly-away....

I wish this were over. Oh god I wish my hair would at least begin to grow back. I called my psychiatrist and told him I was going off the Wellbutrin. It can cause alopecia in rare instances. He agreed and told me to go off of it. I don't think it was really helping anyway.


Thanks thanks thanks for listening. I feel so tired of this. I never want to go to work anymore because I just hate to deal with this rat's nest on my head. Gosh I don't smoke or drink, I'm not obese, if anything I'm still very trim. Take iron supplements, hair vitmains, silicia prenatal vitamins.....so why is this still happening? Please stop falling out hair!!!!!


Sorry to go on. This is the only place that I have to come to.

Do you think stress can cause this? Before I defended my thesis (I have a grad degree in molecular biology) I broke out in shingles. THat was over 10 years ago, but my husband says it happens when people are under stress. Maybe, since the first episode of telegen effluvium, I became even more stressed and now my hair is falling out again? who knows. My marriage is often shakey, we fight a lot. My job is stressful (I work in research in Neurbiology) but whose job ISN"T STRESSFUL

Am I bad because I had exercise bulimia? Or because I was addicted to caffeine? Isn't there much worse? Like people addicted to drugs? Or those anorexic socialites? Or women who smoke and drink coffe and don't eat at all?

MB

[James]

molecularblonde- I know that you are gonna get through this. I have a close friend of mine who gets really sick when she is stressed. This may be what is going on with you. I know that all of this speculation of the cause of the hair fallout sucks but it is all we have right now.

You just have to take it a moment at a time. That is what I do and it helps me.

I am so sorry to hear about the car incident, that must have been AWFUL but I am really happy that you are ok. YOU ARE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.

Are you still exercising everyday?

Sorry for the late reply, I had some of my own awful crap to deal with too, I guess we all do.




Oh hey, sometimes when I get really depressed I look at this thing and it makes me smile for some reason.

http://samugliestdog.com/

[molecularblonde]

James-
Thank you so much for your reply-

I'm going to do what you said, and take it one day at a time. I tried to brush my teeth and get ready for bed, and I became engroseed with the amount of hair that is now in my sink. Just from leaning over it and brushing my teeth!

James, I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. The alarm will go off tomorrow morning: do I shower? Yes, of course, I must! I feel unclean otherwise......but I'm terrified to do this because I will lose so much hair. I counted 65 hairs in the sink this morning.

James, I'm not a religious woman. But I'm praying. I've quit my antidepressant b/c of the rare incidence of hair loss in individuals. Will this add additional stress? My p doc wants to put me on an OCD drug, but that too could have hair loss side effects....

I'm so scared. Please God, make this stop happenning. I need to have some order back in my life.

Thank you James. I think you are the only person on the planet who understands me at this moment. How nuts am I to be so sad over something as trivial as hair? All I think about is that this Christmas, I will most likely be wearing a wig. Oh gosh, no!!!!

Please God, let this pass.

MB

[HairLossFight.com]

Hang in there molecularblonde,

Just to give you some perspective, I am going through the toughest time I've ever had to deal with as well with some personal matters. We all of to deal with crap in our lives, as James said earlier.

We all just have to keep going and counting our blessings.

Sam

[James]

I just want to add in that I am going through an awful thing myself not even related to hair. It seems like we are all gonna have to plug away slowly through the days.

Knowing that there are people here to give you support can help. It helps me.

[molecularblonde]

Thank you both for keeping me going. I'm so thankful to have you.

I too have some other issues going on: marriage that is on the fritz, work stress. Today I ran four experiment and I was amazed I could keep my thoughts on track.

What's eating me right this minute is this: I'm taking the morning off of work tomorrow to drive into NYC to see endocrinlogist #2. How nuts is that? I've already had a battery of blood work done, but this doctor is supposed to be the best in hormone-related hair loss. And that's *if* that's what I have. I can't believe I'm missing work tomorrow. And the cost of this visit is $500.

Went to the gym tonight, tried to avoid making eye contact with the other girls there.

Thank you againg. You both are the best.

Deep breath, chin up, big smile-
MB

[James]

Hey MB, how did it go at the docs?

[molecularblonde]

Hey James-
I hope all is well with you.
I'm confused and sad now. BUt what else is new?

I went to the "hormone expert" yesterday. After hearing about my hairloss and reviewing my situation, I've been put on BC pills (Yasmin) and spironolactone. I can't believe this: my dreams of ever having a baby are shot now. And, since sprinolactone is a diuretic, I'm in the bathroom every two hours. It also makes me feel nauseated. In time, the doctor said I will notice hair growing all over my body now. Hopefully on my head as well, but who knows.

This doctor told me that my hair loss is due to my excessive exercising as well as my surgery that I had last year. He mentioned that the removal of my one ovary and part of the other dysregualted my hormonal balance. That, combined with the excessive exercising, lowered my estrogen levels. That's why female runners oftern miss their peroids. I don't know if I buy this, as my estrogens levels are fine. But I have read that they can fluctuate quite a bit during the month. SO what you see on your blood work may not necessarily be the real situation.

He's a big fan of iron supplements. He encouraged me to continue taking the supplements. My husband is okay with all of this. He wasn't thrilled with the bill (the visit was $500). We plan to seriously try for a baby in October. The doctor said being preganant is the best thing for my estrogen levels to get back where they should be.

Oh, and he also told me to refrain from dying my hair. I asked him if that is contributing to my hair loss and he said no, but htat is doesn't help matters.

I'm going to get fat on birth control and I feel sick already from the spironolactone. Funny, none of the dermatolgists would put me on spironolactone. They said it caused to many serious side effects.

I want to go for a run James, but my hair is so thin and brittle I can't even put it in a ponytail

I'm scared to run because apparently it's causing havoc for my body.

I wish my husband could be more supportive, he's sick of me "being sullen about my hair".

I'd like to take a shower today, I feel gross. But my hair is so thin now- you wouldn't believe it. Ugh. Ugh.

Thank you so much James for listening.

MB

[James]

Seriously MB, I know that you want to exercise really badly, but I think that should really stop for awhile. I know that it is hard to stop, I used to be the same way, but I really think that you have to.

Of course I am not a doc so don't take my thoughts directly.

You should make yourself a plan like "ok I am gonna lay off the exercise for awhile and try this treatment program that the doctor suggested and reevaluate in 6 months." In reality it is all you can do, it is really the only thing that ANY of us can do in this crappy situation of hair loss.

Why are you so sure that you are gonna get fat on birth control. I know probably like 10 girls on birth control and they didn't get fat, most of them don't even exercise.

Things always seem worse to YOU, they are really not as bad as you think.

I remember my hair loss really adding stress to a relationship I was in and it was really awful. Here we are suffering and trying to grasp onto some type of support and something stable and in response they get annoyed and think we are over reacting. I have been there, believe me.

I think that it is just hard for our partners to see us suffering and after awhile they just don't know what to do anymore so they start acting non supportive.

I also think that you are on the right track, I think the doc you visited made sense. I think that things are gonna improve. You are doing all you can right now and yeah this sh*t sucks but what the hell else can we do.

Keep your head up, things are most definitely not as bad as you think. Don't forget to do something for yourself. I am here when you need to talk and so are others here on the boards.

[molecularblonde]

james,
Your quote:

"You should make yourself a plan like "ok I am gonna lay off the exercise for awhile and try this treatment program that the doctor suggested and reevaluate in 6 months." In reality it is all you can do, it is really the only thing that ANY of us can do in this crappy situation of hair loss. "

Hit a chord with me. I am powerless over this situation that I'm in. I can do nothing. I've seen every type of doctor know to man, and now I need to sit back and let things take their course.

I try to foget about it. But when I use our bathroom and there are mirrors everywhere, it's oftern difficult to forget.

I felt like throwing up all afternoon because of the spironolactone. But, again, there isn't much I can do about it. My husband can write a script for anti-nausea medication.


I'm tired James. I'm so sick of not "living" my life. Today my cousins are in town from the west coast and I', too embarrassed to go see them. They haven't seen me since last year, and of course they'll notice the change. I think your advice to let things go and to quit worrying is good. But when I try to put my hair up in a ponytail to "forget" about it, I freak out because i wonder if perhaps I have "traction" alopecia.

I want to continue to be a blonde, exercise and wear my hair on the top of my head in a cute fountain-like ponytail. But this just isn't going to happen right now.

I appreciate your candor when it comes to relationships. As you said, we are suffering and desperate for stability. But our loved ones are sick of hearing us moan about our hair. So then we panic (at least I do) and my thoughts roll to harming myself.

I'm sorry to go on like this. This board is all I have right now. I stopped seeing my therapist much to her dismay, because I felt I spent all my time crying to her about my hair.

One things that really upset me was when my husband and I went out last night for dinner. I saw maybe 8 ladies with checmically treated hair, all of them around my age. And their hair was thick, long and beautiful. And is bums me out that I have to stop dying my hair in case it is exacerbating my situation. Most women who are blonde aren't real blondes.

Anyway, I saw about one million babies today att he fair we were at. And my clock is ticking and here I am on birth control and spironolactone. Oh well. Perhpas I can adopt.

Thank you thank you thank you James, you are saving ym life right now.

MB

[molecularblonde]

When I read the thigns I have written on the page I am so depply ashmaed and saddened by my "over-raction" to this problem I'm experienceing. Quitting therpay wasn't a good idea, nor was quitting antidepressants.

One thing that gave me a bit of comfort was when I spoke with the endocrinologist on Friday. His expertise is female hairloss and he told me of a woman patient he has who is an attorney and was so saddened by her hair loss that she took a leave of absence from work. He also told me of a patient he has fromt he UK who refused to go to social setting where she has to meet new people. In essence, she has become a recluse.

I know this isna't caner (thank gosh!) and I'm not paralyzed, blind, bedridden, but what is so hard to swallow is that this is so DYNAMIC. It won't stop falling out. Everytime I turn my head a piece of my hair is on the dog, the table, the car seat. When I look in the mirrow I seee so muhc scalp- oh gosh it's just awful.

Again, I'm still so ashmaed about these long post I write. I didn't join this board until my hair began to fall out for the second time. Last year it was bad, but it stabilized in January and I was optimistic it would grow back.

Anyway, please accept my apology, all of you.
MB

[James]

Please don't apologize. You have a lot on your plate to deal with. Give yourself some credit for pushing through.

I am positive that other hair loss sufferors feel less alone when they read your posts.

Everything that you have written is something that I have experienced or gone through also, and the same is true for others who are suffering from hair loss.

Remember you have your plan, so just stick to it and thats all you can do.

Is the nausea a normal side-effect of the spironolactone?

[HairLossFight.com]

No apology necessary molecularblonde.

[molecularblonde]

Gentlemen-
Thank you again for your kindess. James, i know I have a plan now. And I must stick to that plan and hope for the best. Your advice was excellent. I'm going to stick to my plan for now. However, I had a dermatologist appointment today. A follow-up.

I would like you to both know that I saw my dermatologist today and, quite frankly, it was a humiliating experience.

I told my dermatologist that my hair had begun to fall out agian in early June. For this reason, I told her I went to see an endocrinologist on Friday and that he had put me on Spironolactone as well as birth control pills. She didn't disagree with this regimen. On the contrary, she seemed okay with it!!!! But when I gave her zip lock baggies with the hair that I've been saving everyday after I shower she promptly put in the in the garbage!

She told me I need to "focus" on something other than my hair!!! Can you believe that? Well, if it isn't falling out, why should i stop focusing on it????? Although she believed me when I told her it was falling out, she said that I'm making matters worse by worrying about it.

James and Sam: I'm not sitting at home pining for my lost hair! Please believe me. I have a career, and a very demanding one at that. Believe me, this isn't in my head: I'm losing my hair! And I guess my dermatologist is trying to get my mind on something else other than my hair. At one point she laughed at me (well, not at me) but said how beautiful and smart I was. I know i'm attractive, but I told I'm just terrified that I will be bald by x-mas. At this point she told me women don't become bald, but this isn't so. I work with an asian woman who is almost completely bald. My hair is falling out, I kid you not!!!!!


I went to spin class tonight. THe spironolactone makes me light-headed, but I drank a lot of water and did okay. I'm cutting the exercise way down....so maybe things will get better.

James, you are like a pillar of stone for me. I have a course of action (a protocol if you will) and as you said, now I've just got to sit back and see what it does. Spironolactone causes nausea, but I can get some reglane and use this to counter act it.

If all of this is in my head James, then why didn't the dermatologist tell me to stop taking the spironolactone???? Maybe I'm not blad, but at this rate, I'm going to be bald my x-mas. Oh good grief.


Again, thank you James and Sam for listening. One thing the dermatoloists and I agreed upon: many doctors are AWFUL listeners. And by this i"m referring to my husband who won't let me speak about my hair for the next two weeeks. I know he means well. But gosh , it's all in my head bouncing around. I need to get this out!!!!


God bless you both. (I'm actiually agnositic, but I thought blessing oyu was the kindest thing I could say over the ineternet).

Deep breath, BIG SMILE, and positive attitutde!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MB

[James]

Yup. you are doing what you can do. So just sit back.

I am happy that I helped you.

[bluefin]

Hi MB,

In my experience Trichologists and Dermatologists don't know a great deal about hair loss. I would be v.concerned if you are still having such bad sides on your current regime. Try to eat as healthily as possible and supplement your diet with things like Jarrow's Biosil (Silica compound), MsM, etc and use a good shampoo like the Lama's Range for hair loss. Consider LLLT (laser therapy)..I've just started to use DERMATOPOIETIN® from Switzerland. Apparently slows/stops hair loss. Possibly a chance of regrowth too. They have a sale on at the moment. http://swiss-cosmeceuticals.com/hairset.html. Try meditation for stress relief, this programme helped me a lot . I did the course via my local NHS health Centre here in London but it's originally a U.S. programme. [url]http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php.

Let's know how you're doing. Nick